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101: How to Riot - A Beginners Guide For Writers

Happy New Year, my dear fellow readers! Now before you folks start hurling abuses at me I'd like to say that this article has nothing to do with rioting. In fact, it's a basics guide on how to write. Yes. My auto-correct has malfunctioned after my phone got damaged at Kurla station, while I was trying to board a Karjat fast train. Anyway, quite a happening week to start the new year. From whiskey on the rocks to throwing rocks, the frustration regarding 2017 still hasn't left us. In fact, it has grown so high that some people were still partying out there, setting buses on fire and shit and having the time of their life!

ABC's of Anarchy by Brian Heagney
A random and unnecessary snapshot from a book that was gifted to me by a dear friend. Because a picture speaks a thousand words which probably no one wants to hear. (Pic Source: 'ABC's of Anarchy' by Brian Heagney)

Anyway, we all live in the age of artificial intelligence and machine learning. Of big data and small minds. And in case you want to ensure that some dynamically programmed robotic metal ding dong thrash doesn't take your job in near future, you've to buckle up and be prepared.

So, in order to help you, after researching some ancient Arabic hieroglyphs on the art of writing, I've compiled a timeless list of 'things-to-do', when you're out there pelting stones and trying to prove your point.

Pre-Requisites-
  1. A fairly shitty understanding of politics, propaganda, partisanship and other dangerous words and ideas starting from letter 'P'
  2. A fairly large amount of free and leisure time.
  3. A knack for breaking and destroying things in the name of being suppressed by authoritarian despotism.
  4. A soft spot in your heart for anarchy and chaos.
  5. A basic understanding of the obnoxious term called, 'satire'
  6. Patience. An maybe even a little bit of sympathy, to calmly endure this long article.
Okay, I hope you guys are already familiar with the above concepts. If not, you can click that back button on your browser or that red 'X' button will also work and stop reading right away. Perhaps just get back to doing something productive instead rather than wasting your time to read this miserably awful listicle shamelessly disguised as a satire.

Now all those who're still reading this, let's get started.
So, without further adieu, I'd like to introduce you to the basics of rioting...err...writing. Damn you, auto-correct.

  • Of Broken Hearts and Shattered Window Panes
Now, the first lesson in writing is, you need to make sure that you're heartbroken. Yes. That cute little organ inside of you and those pretty emotions you refer to as 'sentiments'
Well, they have to suffer. You've to offend them, hurt them and shatter that beating thing inside your rib-cage, to its core. You need to feel that pain, that oppression by the tyranny. Only then, you can think about writing.

Rockstar Movie Quotes
Like Khatana bhai says, a broken heart is a writer's workshop. (Pic source: inspire2rise.com)





So, yeah, get that thing broken inside you. Take everything personally, stab it with a steely knife or just fall in love with an arctic penguin who doesn't love you back. I don't care how you do it. Just fuckin' get that thing broken. Only then you'll find the rigor to pick up that god damn stone and hurl it on shops and vehicles.

  • Fire in the Hole
Congratulations! You've finally taken your first step. Every writer is an artist at heart. The next thing is to go out there and express how you feel. To showcase your art to the world. And for this, you need to ignite that spark. There's an inexpressible joy in watching your masterpiece set the world on fire! It's so romantic that it reminds me of that famous John Mayer song,

"Don't say a word, just come over and lie here with me. Cause I'm just about to set fire, to everything I see."

So, as John Mayer says, you've to set fire to everything that you see! Take the palette of hate and dip that molotov cocktail of resentment in it. The world is your canvas. Paint it red, green, black, white or blue. It's all up to you!

Joker; some men just want to watch the whole world burn
Some men aren't looking for anything logical. Some men just want to watch the whole world burn.
  •  Thou Shall Not Pass:
The third step in the various stages of a writer's journey is to get rid of all distractions and roadblocks that stand in the path of achieving your goals. Shout and scream powerful slogans along the way,  lie down on railway tracks and stop that train, jump off in front of that land rover and make a statement. As a writer, you need to ensure that no vehicles of negative thoughts, fear or whatsoever flock the highway of your passion and your dreams.

Gandalf- You shall not pass
Grab those flags and raise your voice! Seize the day and strike to block off that fuckin' roadway. (Pic source: quickmeme.com)

Well, now that you've sown the seeds and entered the world of writing. It's time to reap the sweet fruits. After all the sufferings you had to bear and all the beautiful things you had to shatter to smithereens and the wonderful people you had to break away from, just to reach here; it's about time to reflect on all the hard work and efforts you had to put in.

So just shutdown that thudding engine of hate mongering and anger. Just sit back and relax. Take a chill pill. Pop in some of those Xanax or maybe just enjoy that glass of bleach or maybe just smoke up some of those coriander leaves, while watching the sun setting gradually over the horizon.

You deserve it. You've totally earned it. After closing down the entire chaotic world around you, it's about time to just lie down peacefully. There's a very different kind of joy and calm in this kind of solitude. Also, you've to be ready for the limelight for when the reviews and opinions of the lesser mortals will start pouring in from all sides. You would just want to reminiscence about all that you've been through all this while and come to grips with the fact that you've finally done it.

And beware of those critics and journalists, they're bound to bring you down with their needless cynicism, political correctness and ideologies. They'll label you as firebrand right-wing, left-wing, chicken-wing and whatnot. Never let them get to you. A pen is mightier than a sword. Peace and love is for sissies. Real men prefer war and hatred. Yes, agreed, that an eye for an eye will eventually make the whole world blind. But being blind with ignorance is always better than being blind in the delusion of peace and love. A rioter is an artist who casts his impression on this already chaotic world and tries to make a point. To get his voice heard. Always believe in yourself because deep down you know, you're a writer at heart. And will always be a writer, no matter what! So, riot on...err...write on! Okay then, I have to sign off here. Need to throw off my cell-phone in the dustbin and start writing more frequently.

John Lennon Quote on Love and Peace
Haha! Cool story Lennon my boi, no wonder you were shot dead. *cries buckets while typing this*

Anyway, thank you for reading. Do let me know in the comments section below, whether you enjoyed it or rather just puked after reading it. And do share it with your friends.
Until next time, adios, you wonderful beings. Wish you have a fabulous year ahead! Hashtag peace and love!
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Location: Mumbai, Maharashtra, India

6 comments:

  1. Worth the read. Looking forward to more blogs like these in 2018!

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    Replies
    1. Thank you for reading! Will try to write more and more satires henceforth!

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  2. Replies
    1. Thank you mahn! Will try my best to continue writing more such articles! :)

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  3. Omg this was hilarious XD XD I have laughed and laughed and laughed, not even joking(Geddit?) Sorry XD This was my pathetic attempt at whipping out a decent pun. Anyway, welcome back dude. Please keeping rioting.. Oops i mean writing. (Damn you fingers)

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    Replies
    1. Thank you Tanvi! Your feedback always helps me. Even though I'm not good at puns, I do try sometimes. Will surely keep writing!

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