How can I amuse you?

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*Disclaimer: This article contains abuses and views which might seem offensive. Stop reading it right away, if you're under 18 years of age. Also, if you get offended easily. Thank You.* 

If you hate this guy, you better stop reading right away!
(Pic Credits: Google Images.)


Hello Folks! What's up! By the way, Summers are here in Bombay! Yayy! The weather when you sweat profusely 24*7 and urine just simply evaporates from the bladder! Also, Sec66A has been scrapped! Woo hoo!! But beware. It doesn't mean that we can write whatever the crap we want to.

My views on #Sec66A.

Moving forward,this article is going to be an epic one and the longest one too. Longer than even Ashutosh Gowariker movies, as this awesome guy, Akash Barve (Nimrod)
*That's the way I've saved his contact name. Huge Green Day fan!*, is collaborating with me! Yes.
We guys are jobless to the core and have no life, so we keep writing stuff to make ourselves feel better. So here we go!

*Akash takes over*

Had no topic going on in my mind to write on. Suddenly, it crossed my mind it won't be long before the government bans blogging too. So I'm here, just in case this happens to be my final blog. While everyone around me is going bonkers with the outbreak of the phobia of being banned.

Rumor has it that the AAP might ban vaccum cleaners to promote the sale of brooms for their own publicity.

The censor board is kinda like that one person who you never wanna hangout with. Yet they always cling on to you like a Shinigami. Poking their censored nose in everything. People have to say what the censor board wants them to say and people have to listen to what the board wants them to listen to. Maybe in a few days, after a student writes his exam. The censor board will check his paper for offensive material before he submits it for correction. Mind you people, soon every state board is surely gonna introduce a 27th alphabet as '*'!

Using our votes to come to power and then censoring, banning our stuff. Isn't that offending to us citizens. But what can we do.  We're just "Another brick in the wall".

Running a country is much like parenting. If you tell a child not to do something, his curiosity will make him do that.( If the child is not curious, he needs a shrink!) If the child is properly raised and if you show a little faith in him. He won't get is mind in gutter in the first place. He might do something childish once,but realize his own mistake and that is a lifelong lesson. A country must have faith in its citizens that they will act responsibly for their own sake and as a result for the nation's sake. And if it doesn't have the faith, it deserves to be called a failed state!

Censorship is not something to be used as a weapon to get things done your way. well, maybe you don't like to watch a roast. So don't watch it. But it was a roast of consenting adults by consenting adults in front of consulting adults​. Even the Youtube video had a disclaimer. Just because you find a roast of some celebrity who wouldn't even give a fuck about your existence offending. Why are you denying others the chance to make a choice of their own to either watch it or not watch it.
I'm sorry if I've offended you. You are welcome to offend me back. Ours is an offense oriented culture. We say 'An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind '.  What we forget is 'Offense in return of offense makes two people friends '!

Who rules over us? Democracy? Not really!(Pic Credits: Google Images.)

 *I take over now* 
Those are some great points by Akash!
So, they've banned 50 Shades Of Grey! Well, that was kinda expected. In a country where sex, love, relationships,life, lauda, lasun almost everything is considered a taboo, that was expected.
Well, I've not watched the movie, so I won't comment on it.

Also beef has been banned. Okay. What is beef? ( Yes. My family reads my blog)

Moving forward, Censorship! This is a pretty sensitive topic for us Indians. Even Sensodyne won't help on this issue*Sorry*.
I've varied thoughts on this topic. Like, censorship is necessary, but actually not that necessary. Quite contradicting, just like my life.

Censoring things is okay. But banning them completely, that isn't acceptable.

Now, about the thing on banning stuff. The government just can't decide what we should eat and what we shouldn't. What we should watch and what we shouldn't. It just can't. (Please don't arrest me)

We Indians have a vague perspective towards life. We all are very self centered. And also we think everyone is judging us every time. No. No one is judging you every time. They judge you once and that's it. They form an opinion about you. After that, they won't give a fuck. Just like people don't give a fuck about what bullshit I write here.

We try to portray an ideal image of our country to this world  by banning and censoring stuff. We keep boasting about our culture. Yes our magnificent culture. But then on the other hand, women safety sucks donkey balls. Recently an Indian student was denied an internship in Germany. The professor who denied it had said that she no longer accepted “any male Indian guests, trainees, doctoral students, or post docs due to the severe rape problem in India”
Great. First, the west thought of Indian men as nothing but snake charmers. Now they think of Indian men as nothing but rapists.

We also get offended at abuses and shit. Okay, now the thing about abusing. I've seen guys singing bhajans in local trains. I've also seen the same guys fighting and abusing the other day, saying "Dhakka kyun de rha hai bhosdike".
The point is abusing depends from situation to situation, but we tend to take it as offense wherever and whenever it is possible.

While watching a cricket match, we often say, "Bhenchod! Kya six maara hai! Ek number!" but then that's just for the appreciation of the batsman.
And then when we say, "Bhenchod ye XYZ, saala kitna khelega aur, out kyun nhi ho jaata!", that is abusing.
I hope you got my point, if not you can go ahead and abuse me!

Moving forward, I've seen that infamous Nirbhaya documentary. I'm surprised they banned it too, even when some politicians and important people in our country have a similar kind of ideology and opinions on women. Yes, opinions similar to that of Mukesh Singh, the rapist.

Long story short,
banning and censoring movies, songs, books, documentaries, comedy shows and shit won't help.
It's our sick mentality that needs to be banned. It's our shit ideology that needs to be censored. As, someone great once said "It's all in our head!".  
Until we don't alter our mentality and mindset towards all this in a much more broader perspective, we'll still continue to remain pathetic, as a society.

Free speech? Not really! (Pic Credits: Google Images.)

Well, this article was pretty long! I hope you'll are awake. Do share your views on this article, and check out the poll.

Do you think banning stuff is actually a necessity?

I'd like to thank Akash for collaborating with me, for this article! Do visit his awesome blog,  Too Young To Understand. Too Naive To Speak.

Till then, Adios.

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Schools Will Now Teach 'Ass-Licking' : New Curriculum To Be Updated Soon!


India: In a move that surprised the whole nation, the government has decided to include 'Ass- Licking' as a part of the new school syllabus, which will be updated soon. This move was taken after Manoj Singh, a software analyst from Mumbai, filed a PIL on this issue. 

Our correspondent Sunil, managed to stalk and catch up with Mr. Manoj Singh. Here's an excerpt from that exclusive interview.

Manoj: *Tries to shoo away Sunil, our correspondent disguised as a beggar*  Go away..I don't have any money. Aagey badho, chhutta nhi hai..

Sunil: Sir, this is Sunil Yadav, I'm a news reporter. Can I have a few minutes of your time? Just a few questions and I'm done. Please Sir, please.. *pleads*

Manoj: Whoa! Okay, but why are you dressed up as a beggar?

Sunil: *Laughs* Sir, the thing is, I've to do a lot of stalking in my profession, and there are many who've reported me to the police. They even have my sketches now, so as a precaution, I've to dress up this way!

Manoj: Uh.. Okay, go ahead. What do you want to ask?

Sunil: So, regarding the PIL you filed, to include 'Ass-Licking' as a major subject in schools. What made you do so? Any particular reason?

Manoj: "Well, the thing is that I've suffered a lot in my life, because I lack in this skill of licking up to the right people. Along with your education, degrees and money, 'ass-licking' is one of the most important aspects required to excel in life. With its help, you can achieve success, in whichever field you want. You just have to lick the right ass, at the right time! If you can't lick, you won't succeed! Lick it to win it! Simple as that!" *Grins*

Sunil: What are they going teach the kids in this subject?

Manoj: To begin with, the syllabus would consist of,
  1. Extreme Flattery.
  2. Baloney.
  3. Fake courtesies and etiquettes. 
  4. Hypocrisy.

Sunil: Would you please elaborate each of these terms.

Manoj: Very well, under 'Extreme Flattery' kids will be taught how to flatter and praise someone to the ultimate extent.
Like for instance, the stuff we do on facebook, commenting "Kya lag rahe ho bhai, ek number! Aapko toh actor hona chaiye!" on the profile photo of guy who in real life looks nothing more than a hybrid of a pig and a donkey!

Under 'Baloney', kids would be taught to talk foolish, nonsense and deceptive stuff, to amuse the required person. The first step of towards being a good brown-noser!

As far as 'Fake Courtesies and Etiquettes' are considered, they would be taught to hide a "Fuck You" behind a "Namaste", with a gentle smile on their faces. So that the person whom they're abusing won't even realize it!

And, I don't think I need to mention anything about 'Hypocrisy
They'll learn all it by themselves, as the whole world around them is full of hypocrites! This would be the final step. After that, all those kids would be completely transformed into sycophants!

Sunil: It was nice talking to you Mr. Manoj. I think I need to run now, The cops over there have recognized me! I hope we'll meet soon, Good bye!

Meanwhile, an official statement was issued by the government spokesperson Ajit Shah,
According to Shah,
"Many people in India, lack this important skill. Ass kissing is necessary almost everywhere! Right from getting good grades, to getting a promotion, to getting laid! The inclusion of this subject in schools will make sure that the future generation will never have to a face any problem regarding this issue of licking and sucking it up to the right people and this system whenever required. We’re also thinking of supplying video lectures conducted by Sanjay Bha, who has been a well-known expert in ass licking! We’re also planning to release an adverts which would spread the message “Chaatega India, tabhi toh badhega India!” and "A tongue is mightier than a sword!"

Surprisingly, Sanjay Bha remained unavailable to comment, as his tongue was stuck up deep in Pappu’s arse!

*Disclaimer: The above news article is completely fictional and does not bear any resemblance with reality. If so, it’s purely co-incidental!* 

Hello folks! I hope you haven’t dozed off to sleep! I tried my best to make this article as funny as possible, but please bear with it, if it isn’t funny at all. I wanted to write on this issue since 1807, but I was confused how to put it up! So, I came up with this unfunny boring satire.

Frankly speaking, this world is full of hypocrites, assholes and obsequious pricks. Nobody cares who you’re or how talented you are, unless you show them your worth! And to do so you’ll need to lick up to your superiors, this society and the system altogether. Unfortunately, it’s sad but true. And, if you want to succeed without wanting do such a shitty thing, there’s only one thing that can help you. And that’s Honesty. Because, talent and hard work combined with honesty can kick any fucking arse! :)

Now, before I speak any more bullshit philosophical crap and settle down to hibernate in Himalayas, I would like to end this by quoting the great John Lennon! 

“Nobody loves you, when you’re down and out.
Nobody sees you, when you’re on cloud nine.
Everybody’s hustling, for a buck and a dime.
I’ll scratch your back, and you scratch mine!”

I'd like to thank my dearest buddies, Siddhi Pawar and Rohith Jayarajan for proofreading and reviewing this article!
And, I'd like to thank you all readers, for wasting your precious time to read this one! You guys are the best! :)

As usual, your comments, abuses and criticisms are always welcome! And, please share this with your friends, if you enjoyed reading it! Please share! _/\_ *Begs, cries and pleads like the Dadar station wala bhikaari* 

P.S: That's one hell of a classic by John Lennon! Do listen to it, here's the link if you want! Till then, Adios! :)

Nobody Loves You (When You're Down And Out) -John Lennon!

(Pic Credits: Google Images)


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