How can I amuse you?

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Frankly Speaking : Arnab Thrashes Honey Singh!

Arnab nailing Honey Singh! (Pic Credits: Google Images)


Arnab : Welcome to Frankly Speaking, I'm Arnab Goswami. Tonight my dear viewers, we have got on our show, the so called 'Coolest Rapper Of India'. Whose pathetic songs can be heard almost everywhere across India. The guy who's absurd enough to add something as silly as 'Yo Yo' as a prefix to his name. Yes. You guessed it right. Please welcome Mr.Yo Yo Honey Singh on the show.

Arnab: Welcome to Frankly Speaking! Let me start this with a very basic question. So, Mr. Honey Singh. Why do you produce foolish songs?

Honey Singh: (smiling sheepishly) Thank You Arnab for inviting me to this show. I..

Arnab: (interrupts) Wait. Please stop this. Stop showing this gratitude by thanking me. Don't you think that I'll go soft on you if you treat me with these social courtesies. You'll have to answer my straight questions tonight, there's no escaping. Keep that in your mind. You may please continue now..

Honey Singh: Okay. I was saying that my songs aren't foolish. I make songs which directly make a contact with listener's heart and make people dance to its tunes.

Arnab: There you go! Listen to me carefully now. We Indians just love dancing, even if we suck at it. We Indians would dance to any song which has a catchy rhyme, even to a nursery rhyme like "Ringa Ringa Roses"

Honey Singh: But, people do love my songs  and enjoy listening to them...

Arnab: This is turning into a pointless conversation so I'll abruptly switch the topic. So Mr. Modi is power now. He's running a campaign known as 'Swach Bharat Abhiyaan' do you have any idea about that?

Honey Singh: Yes, I know about that campaign! And I'm willing to support Modi ji for his noble cause!

Arnab: That's the spirit, so from now on stop making songs. Leave this music industry, settle down in Uganda and never ever ever ever come back here again. It's the need of the hour, to clean up music industry from a filthy pervert like you!

Honey Singh: Whoa!! Sir, you're offending me, that was way too offensive, I don't make foolish songs. And how can you call me a pervert on national television? I don't....

Arnab: (interrupts ferociously) Wait. Wait Mr. Yo Yo. I've some documents, some lyrics of your recent songs...Just bear with my poor hindi...
*speaks in broken hindi*

"Sun lo saari duniya waalo
Jitna bhi tum zor laga lo
Karenge party saari raat
Gaan* mein dum hai toh band karwa lo
Party all night
Party all night
Party all night
We do party all night"

And here's another one,

"Suna tere college mein mere gane ban hai,
Padne likhne ka tera na koi plan hai,
Pass kradu, Phone Ghumadu,
Teri Principal bhi baby YO YO ki fan hai,
Teri Principal bhi baby YO YO ki fan hai,
Ah, Kehndi YO YO Honey singh.
Blue eyes, hypnotise teri kardi a mennu,
I swear! Chhoti dress mein bomb lagdi mennu"

Okay. Now what the fuck is this?
Do you have any explanation?

Honey Singh: Well, I try to be creative in my songs. People enjoyed these songs...

Arnab: (angrily) Stop it. Stop it Mr. Yo Yo. You're out of your  mind. You call this shit creative?
That's like KRK calling his acting in Deshdrohi, as creativity.

Honey Singh: (petrified) I'm..I'm sorry, I'll try to make my songs more meaningful henceforth...

Arnab: Okay. Moving forward, I recently heard that you want to win a Grammy in coming years. You said this in a statement to some newspaper. Is that true?

Honey Singh: (smiles) Yes. I do want to win a Grammy! Sab keh rahe hai ki main music industry mein chaa raha hu, but kya chaa raha hu, Grammy toh nhi laa paa raha hu! *tries to sound cool*

Arnab: Let me get this straight. Once again I'd like to ask you to stop making such pathetic rhymes every now and then. It's not cool. *starts screaming* NOT COOL AT ALL!

Honey Singh: But..

Arnab: (interrupts again) You feel you're some genius of a musician? Do you?
I've this statement or yours, which you gave to some news channel a few days back..
Let me quote you Mr. Yo Yo,
*speaks in terrible hindi*
 "Martin Luther ne sapna dekha tha toh Obama president hai. Meri bhi soch hai. Maine bhi sapna dekha hai. Agar main Grammy nahi laa paya toh koi aur meri chamri ka le jaayega and I'll be happy!"

Let me translate this to English for our viewers
"Martin Luther saw a dream, then Obama became a president. I too have my ideology. I too have a dream. If I wouldn't win the Grammy, some one else of my strain will win it, and I'll be happy!"

So, who do you think you are Mr. Yo Yo? You're destroying music, especially the rap & hip-hop genre. Please for my sake, start making some sensible songs or stop making songs all together.

Honey Singh: *about to burst in tears* This is insane. You're totally insane. How can you be so arrogant and insolent. I don't even... I can't.. Screw this man, I'm going..
*Starts removing the microphone*

Arnab: Wait Mr. Yo Yo, I'm not done yet, I want to talk about some pervert songs which you did, before you entered into mainstream bollywood music....Wait...

Honey Singh: *leaves the show mouthing abuses*

Arnab: (smiles like a newly wed bride) So, my dear viewers, Mr. Yo Yo didn't have the guts to answer my straight questions. He left the show doing what he usually does in his songs, mouthing abuses. Another one bites the dust! I'll take your leave now. Thank You for watching this show!

{
(Above article is completely imaginary and fictional, any resemblance with real life namesake characters is totally co-incidental. Except the quotes of Mr. Yo Yo.)

This is the second article on the 'Arnab Goswami' series, here's the first one if you had missed it! :D
[(And yes, I'd written this article exactly a year back, much before TVF had introduced their own Arnub Qtipaya! :)]
Arnab Goswami Thrashes Babas on Newshour!

Do let me know about your opinions on this article and please, please share it with your friends if you enjoyed reading it! _/\_
Thank You. Till then, Adios! :)
}
“Sab keh rahe hain chha raha hai ... he is so popular. Kya chhaa raha hoon, Grammy toh la nahi pa raha hoon - See more at: http://www.hindustantimes.com/entertainment/music/my-music-has-improved-i-want-to-win-a-grammy-in-10-years-yo-yo-honey-singh/article1-1246040.aspx#sthash.kzbaHy7Y.dpuf
Sab keh rahe hain chha raha hai
Sab keh rahe hain chha raha hai
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Shit Indian Politicians Say!

Just the other day, I was watching Times Now and as usual Arnab was in super saiyyan mode, nailing some random politician for his absurd comment on rapes happening in India. Well. that's not surprising, Arnab does this feat almost everyday, but the surprising thing is, the shit some of these Indian politicians say.

P.S : This guy's statements are not posted here, as it's mentally hazardous for the readers.

Indian Politicians are well known worldwide, for their stupid comments on various things! Let's take a look at some of these classic statements!


"I thought it was juice."~ Murli Manohar Joshi.
(Ex- HRD Minister, after he drank ferrous sulphate solution in a school science fair and later ended up in a hospital!)

*facepalm* Now what can I say? He thought it was juice, so be it! :D

“Boys and girls should be married by the time they turn 16, so that they do not stray… this will decrease the incidents of rape” ~ Sube Singh.
(Khap Panchayat leader, on rapes)

Yeah. After failed attempts to invent time machines, this guy suggested an alternative to travel back in time. Back when child marriages were considered 'cool'
And what's this thing about straying? What are we? Dogs?

“There is this person sitting on hunger strike for 55 days demanding water be released from the dam. But where are we going to get water from? Should we urinate? And when we are not getting water to drink even urine is not coming easily” ~Ajit Pawar.
(Ex Deputy CM of Maharashtra)

We Indians have a habit of urinating wherever there's a possibility. After this idiotic staement, Mr. Ajit Pawar urinated on his future political career.

"Those who are coming in the name of students in the rallies, sundori, sundori mahila (beautiful women), are highly dented and painted" ~ Abhijeet Mukherjee
 (Son of President Pranab Mukherjee, commenting on women (students) who participate in candle light marches to protest rapes.)

*Slow Claps* Dented and Painted? They're women, not cars Mr. Mukherjee. That was way too cheap for a statement coming from President's son.

"If there is electricity in every village, people will watch TV till late night and then fall asleep. They won’t get a chance to produce children. When there is no electricity, there is nothing else to do but produce babies"  ~ Gulam Nabi Azad.
(Ex Health Minister, on population control and electricity problem in villages.)

No comments. Mind fucked. -_-

"10 out of 7 youths in Punjab are hooked on to drugs" ~ Rahul Gandhi
(Congress Vice President) 

Someone please teach this guy basic mathematics or anything other than women empowerment.

"600 bucks per month are enough to feed a family of 5"  ~ Sheila Dikshit
(Ex CM of Delhi)

It doesn't mean you can speak shit, if there's 'shit' in your name. But this lady justified it. 600 per month, that means approximately 4 bucks per day, for each person in a family of 5. What will we eat? Even Maggi costs for 5 bucks.

There are many shit statements, which our politicians have made, but nothing. I repeat. Nothing beats this one. Vishwa Bandhu Gupta, an Ex IT(Income Tax here, also the guy is UPSC qualified!) commissioner, trying to explain what cloud computing concept is all about. All computer engineers would kill themselves after watching this video. I literally cried while laughing. Oxymoronic emotions! :'D



*Drumroll* 
In case the video isn't playing on mobile devices, here's the link, please do watch this! This guy is epic. Just epic. : Vishwa Bandhu Gupta explains Cloud Computing!

That's it folks, I've not been able to publish many of the classics here and missed out many such foolish brainless statements, as I've time limitations. Feel free to express your thoughts on this article. And do check out The Imbecility Of Indian Daily Soaps , my previous satire, as I'd not publicised that article due to my short term social hibernation. And Thank You, for reading this! Till then, Adios! :)

{References and credits: Google and Youtube! :)}


 
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The Imbecility Of Indian Daily Soaps!

        Remember the times, when you used to sit in front of that old CRT Television set, back in your childhood, watching Cartoon Network! Pokemon, Swat Kats, Dexter's Laboratory, Scooby Dooby! Those good times! And suddenly your utopia is interrupted abruptly when Mom snatches the remote from you and tells you to go and study, while she can catch up with the latest crap happening on "Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi". Yeah. You might well remember that dumbass show which ran for nearly a decade, I guess.

         I've some odd memories about that show, like there was this one episode in it when the lead protagonist of the show, named Tulsi, shoots her own son. Everything, almost everything, from she pulling the trigger, to the bullet releasing itself from the gun, to the bullet penetrating the guy's chest. Everything was in monochrome and slow motion kind of shit. The most funny part was, even after the bullet had stuck him, the guy was hanging in air for like 2 episodes, with some melodramatic music running in the background. The cries of gravity crying itself to death, went unheard amidst all this absurdity. That was some crazy shit, back then and I still laugh hysterically, until I end up peeing in my pants due to laughter, whenever I remember about that obnoxious memory!
Whoa!! This is some serious bullshit! (Pic Credits :Youtube)

        But even after all these years, Indian daily soaps never fail to amuse me! They run for like ages. The character development is so amazing that it'd even put some top notch American TV shows to shame. They focus around love, life, child marriage, celebrations, honour killings, women empowerment, cool swag Bindinis, polygamists,  kitchen politics, birth, death, reincarnation, crime, mystery, l**da, lasoon etc.
Their creativity is so awesome that no matter how different the show feels initially, after like 100-200 episodes, ultimately, they all end up being an epic of a saas bahu saga!

         Even when they depict a love plot in their show, the chemistry between the characters! Damn! Its speechless! Yeah. Like literally. There was this scene from a random daily soap, a guy who spends nearly 50 episodes stalking the girl, just to make contact with her. And finally when the contact is made, the next 150-200 episodes are spent on how the families of the boy and the girl make contact with each other, until they end up being "Samdhis and Samdhans", followed by a big fat Indian wedding. All this runs for nearly a year or so. Seriously. Man, we're sending shit to Mars, getting images from space within few hours, and guys here spend an year just to interact with some people from the same planet. Ridiculous!

Aha! Those smiles, I just feel like killing myself . -_-

       Frankly speaking, Indian daily soaps never developed, just like Rahul Gandhi's political career. I still can't understand how people even watch such shit. The irony is most of the daily soaps revolve around some rich khandaans and their families, their house politics, businesses and other bullshit. But most of the people watching it live in 1BHK flats and try to relate to it. Quite oxymoronic.
The one good thing about these serials is, they teach you to be patient. Yaa, patience to tolerate such nonsense and not go and kill the makers of the show, right away.
Its high time the Indian Television saw a revolution or a major image makeover. A plastic surgery or something like Michael Jackson did to his face. They should now seriously consider moving over this unending Saas Bahu crap.
As engineers, on an average, out of the four years, we spend at least a year in watching awesome firangi TV shows. Jobless herd, never mind! What I'm trying to say is, we need atleast one good TV show. which is made in India. At least one! As, Modi's ideology speaks, make in India, biatches! :D


{Whats up folks! Well, some of you might not have recovered from the comatose state, after reading my previous blog article! Anyways, I'd like to thank you for the amazing response you gave to it! I don't usually write sentimental stuff, as its not my cup of tea, but it seems, it turned out pretty well! :D
So, back to my favourite genre! Humour! I don't actually remember when I'd written this article, maybe a year ago, I just stumbled upon this draft today. Refurbished it a bit. Do read it! Your comments and criticism would be warmly accepted! And yes, if you like it please do share it with your friends. Thank You! Till then, Adios! :) }
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Coming Back To Life!


                                      
"Long you live and high you'll fly. And smiles you'll give and tears you'll cry. And all you touch and all you see, is all your life will ever be!"

Tears rolled down my cheeks as I sat dumbstruck, gazing at my result sheet. I had flunked in nearly every subject and the doom of a year drop was looming across my dull future.
Mindlessly, I went outside to get some fresh air. Just then the vibration of my phone startled my thoughts. It was Papa; probably calling to check on my result. I didn't have the guts to pick up the call and say that I've flunked badly and got myself a drop. With trembling hands, I silenced the call and then decided to go to the nearby medical store. By that time, I'd decided I'd end this misery once and for all. I went to the medical shop and bought some sleeping pills. I'd heard somewhere that an overdose of those pills give you a painless death, in sleep! Suicidal thoughts were flooded my mind making me feel pathetic about myself.
 
I got those 'so-called' death pills and slowly started moving towards the local garden. Here, the view was different. I sat on one of the benches gazing blankly at the surroundings, popping these pills one by one...

It hadn't been much longer, these pills started to show their magic. I started feeling dizzy and decided to sleep.. maybe the longest sleep of my life!

Just then a small boy approached me, looking cheerful; as if he were the happiest and the most carefree kid on this planet! 

I asked the kid who he was.
He replied "I've come here to play with my daddy! Look he's buying me an Ice Cream! What are you doing!?"
The boy's words sounded so sweet and full of innocence that I couldn't stop myself from answering him.
"I am going to die. I'm killing myself.." I replied.
Hearing this the kid said, "Why are you killing yourself!? Please don't do this!? How will you then play football with your Daddy? And how will you enjoy the tasty Ice Cream with him! There's no fun in dying. It is bad."

Those words yet simple, struck me like bullets in my heart. My mind flashed the memories of the times when I was just a little kid like this boy. The times when I used to visit the garden with Mummy and Papa and play football with them and ride my tricycle. Those ice creams, sugar candies and lollipops which they bought for me. Those toys, the Hotwheels car sets, Beyblades and those comic books.. the times when I was ill and the delicious soup which Mom prepared. It could heal almost any illness in the world! Those sleepless nights on which Papa would be awake just to check my temperature and look after me...
For a moment my whole childhood sprawled in my mind. Tears started welled up my eyes..

I became numb and before I could realise, I'd started crying...

The kid was watching me closely and asked "Why are you crying!?"
Wiping my tears, I stammered "I..I want to live kid.. I don't want to die..Its too late now.. I've committed a huge mistake. Those death pills which I ate..they'll kill me eventually.."

Upon hearing this the kid smiled and said "Its never too late." And started running away from me, towards his Dad, who was  eagerly waiting for him with Ice creams!

"What's your name kid!?" I shouted behind him.
"My name is Neeraj!" he replied and faded away into nothingness...

*Trringgggggg*
The sound of my phone woke me up. I could hear distant sounds of kids playing in the park and could feel the cool breeze...
I rubbed my eyes to examine where I was. Maybe in heaven!
I was sitting in the garden. I had fallen asleep out of crying and fortunately, that was just a surreal dream I had. I sensed my cellphone still vibrating in my pocket. It was Papa. I answered it at once.
"Yes Papa, Hmm..Sorry Papa, but  I've flunked badly... too badly I guess. I've got a year drop.."
There was stunning silence at the other end. After a few moments Papa replied..
"Its okay beta, just come home, don't you think of doing something stupid. Everything will be fine. We'll give it for revaluation..Just stay positive.."
"Umm, yeah..I'll reach in an hour or so. Bye!"
Saying so I disconnected the phone.

As I fumbled my pockets to keep my cellphone back, I found those sleeping pills which I'd bought earlier but did not have the courage to eat. I took them and threw them in a nearby gutter.

A new surge of hope was awakened within me, as I began to leave the park. The setting sun was glistening very beautifully. I looked up at the crimson sky and saw the picture of that kid who I'd seen in my dream. I smiled and began walking home. It felt, as if I just came back...came back to life, again!
No matter what, never give up on your life. Its the only thing that stays with you till you die!

{
Whats up peeps! I've been a bit late in publishing this article as I was busy with submissions. Yeah, not a single file yet submitted. Defaulters and shit..never mind. Feel free to abuse, criticize, give death threats or whatever. Do read it and let me know how it is, your response would be warmly appreciated. I'm a novice in writing sentimental stuff and prefer humour over emotions, so bear with it! I'd also like to thank Siddhi for reviewing this lame ass article! Thank You!
Till then, Kudos!! :) 
}
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Man Beats Up Autowallah For Saying "Nahi Jaayega". Accusing Him Of Being A Sexist!

 Mumbai:  In a horrific incident near Andheri, Ashok Thakur, a man working in Vector Infotek, beat the shit out of an autowallah, for refusing to take him to his destination.

Ashok Thakur beating up the autowallah. (Pic Credits: Google images)
        One of our correspondent spoke to Mr. Ashok, who bursted out saying,
"For 1 hour, I was waiting for an auto, that would take me to Adarsh Nagar. But these ignorant and impudent bastards refused me everytime. What am I a fool or something? Nearly 18 autos rejected me saying "Nahi Jaayega", testing my patience. But this sexist &@#$**#, he provoked me. He too refused me rudely, like the other autowallahs did. But what shocked me was, that he willingly accepted to take the lady standing next to me, to Adarsh Nagar. He was blushing like she had proposed him for marriage! That moment I lost my cool and shoved him out of his rickshaw. Douchebag. He deserved this. Who does he think he is!?" *Spats out abuses which are not suitable for readers*


       An onlooker who recoreded a video of the full incident said,
"The man kept on asking him 'Nahi Jaayega? Nahi Jaayega b#@#$*? Tera baap bhi jaayega Adarsh Nagar @#$#@**$, continously abusing him and beat him black and blue. Also when his fellow autowallah friend tried to interfere, he got 2-3 slaps as well, before he realized that his attempt was futile and backed out as soon as possible! It was so funny, I have uploaded the video on Youtube do check out and subscribe to my channel as well!"


       Another eye witness who spoke to us, was supporting Mr. Ashok's feat, he said,
"These rickshawala guys deserve this. They're arrogant and rude most of the times, refusing common passengers to their destination. This incident will teach them a good lesson!"


      The 'Andheri Auto Rickshaw Union' are agitating about this.
Our correspondent sopke to Mr. Arun Yadav, who is the chief of the union.
"This is insane. We autowallahs won't tolerate this kind of behaviour henceforth. We too have our self respect! How can this guy beat up our brother on such a petty issue. Where is the law now? We strongly condemn this incident and ask Mr. Ashok to apologize!", said Mr. Arun angrily.

      Meanwhile Raju Gupta, the autowallah who was the victim in this incident, is being treated in Sion Hospital. Our sources confirm 2-3 broken bones. Other details are unavailable as of now.


 (Above  article is entirely fictious and does not bear any resemblance with reality. Readers are advised to take it with a pinch of salt! :D)

[Greetings everyone! To begin with I shower my warmest gratitude to everyone of you, who still read this ludicrous blog. Thanks for the overwhelming response you gave to my previous blog article, 'The Great IIT'ian Circus!' Okay, moving forward from this civility, through this article I'm back to my usual genre of satire! There may be a major decline in the quality, so please bear with it. Also I'm about to start writing articles for this online tech magazine of my college, known as 'Decrypt', do check out its facebook page, until it goes live in next few days! Technical Satire, well thats the genre I'm looking forward to explore, via the platform provided by Decrypt! Thanks for giving your precious time to read this blog article! Your comments and criticism are much appreciated! Till then, ciao! :) ]
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The Great IIT'ian Circus!



Hello Folks! Pretty long since I wrote something crappy. Well I was a bit busy these days, doing an internet research on sexually transmitted diseases in Mongolian tribes! First up, I'd like to congratulate all those who've fared well in their board and JEE exams recently! You've just reduced two years of slogging your ass & not getting laid, out of the remaining 50-60 years of your life! And I'd also like to thank you all for the amazing response you gave for my previous blog article, The Football Fanatics! :')

               Moving forward, as  the world renowned philosopher, Sir Friedrich Nietzsche once said "In near future, there will be more number of engineers in India, than the number of quantum particles in Universe." Well, I won't blame him for his absolutely factual and pragmatic thoughts about India. Never mind! 
               As per Nirmal Baba's yearly predictions, there will be around 8 million engineers passing out, by the end of the year 2020! Whoa! A fucking 8 million! That's just slightly more than his annual turnover!

               I still remember when I was in primary school. Everyone back then would say "Main bada hoke Pilot banunga!" or "Main Doctor banunga" or "Main Army join karunga" or "Main bada hoke Nalayak banunga"...err.. I can't recollect if someone said that?. The point is, no one knew back then what an Engineer is. To be frank, till 8th grade I thought of engineers as people who drive railway engines & local trains in Mumbai! Yep. I was a retard back then! :D 

              But look how everything is changed now! The arcadia of childhood, the most beautiful phase of our life, is fading away slowly. For example, a 7th grade kid in my society has been forcefully admitted in some random coaching classes for IIT, under the name of pre foundation course! Pre foundation? What the fuck is pre foundation? Sadly, that kid wanted to join swimming classes, as he loved swimming. But then kids in India hardly get encouraged to take up sports as a career. Instead they're despised off  by saying "Sports khelega beta? Jaa chup chaap andar jaake padhaai kar pehle! Bada aaya sportsman banne!" Also, people are rapaciously spending  lakhs of rupees on these coaching classes, just to get that so called 'headstart'. Maybe they should start eating textbooks from 5th grade onwards, just to get that 'extra edge' over others. As a 7th grader, I still remember getting excited only about learning the biology chapters known as 'Life Processes 1,2 & 3' (If you know what I mean). I didn't have any idea of what IIT-JEE is or what Engineering is until 10th grade!

             Kids nowadays days are doctrined and trained to be the typical working class hero. They're taught to sacrifice their dreams for the sake of being tagged as successful. They're often encouraged to live a rather monotonous life which involves getting a good job, a house, a car, a good amount of bank balance and ultimately getting married to a fair looking, 'sanskaari' girl. That's it. Unfortunately, capitalism has taken over our lives to such an extent that even books like "How To Be Successful In Life" define success as obtaining tremendous amount of wealth & becoming rich as fuck! As Indians, we are always proud of our moral values, our culture, our parampara, our ... well I'm out of all the shuddh hindi terms in my dictionary! But besides this we often imbibe values such as hypocrisy, women inferiority, jealousy, greed and hatred in our kids, since birth. Knowingly or unknowingly, it's still a mystery! It is unfortunate but true. Whenever someone tries to think out of the box, we just dissuade him, making him feel absurd. If this trend continues, in near future pre school kids will be taught 'I for IIT' and other alphabetical bullshit!

            As far as IIT is concerned, there are almost 12 lakh aspirants of IIT every year, out of which nearly 9885 make it to this magnificent institute. I'm not saying there's harm in trying, but it must not be the case that its only thing you're trying for. Its ALWAYS important to have backup options! Always. I'm not saying this because I couldn't make it there. Try to be practical, only 9885 candidates out of 1200000 are those lucky asses who make it there, what about the remaining 1190115 candidates? (I hope my calculation is correct, as I recently got another KT in Mathematics :p). 
       Kids these days, who're still unsure of what life is or what they want to be in life, are forced like herds of cattle, into IIT coaching classes at a very tender age, when they don't even know what it is. They're forced by their parents & relatives to think about choosing a career, when they can't even choose between Chhota Bheem and ShinChan! (BTW, Chhota Bheem is basically a sucks. I had watched a few episodes and I'm just back from rehab.)

           My thoughts now ruminate about the wonderful lines said by the great poet, Mirza Ghalib! "Never write your blog articles so long & boring that people will have to measure it with a surveyor's wheel then find and kill you later."
                  So profound, Ghalib saab! I almost cried! :'(
                     
 Maybe I should conclude this here by quoting the great Jim Morrison! :)
                                            
 "The most loving parents and relatives commit murder with smiles on their faces. They force us to destroy the person we really are: a subtle kind of murder."


Sadly Lennon, the era of seeking happiness is over. We now seek wealth in order to be happy!
[Thank You for reading this piece of shit. Your comments, criticisms and abuses are warmly welcomed! Till then, Adios! :)]
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Life: Unpredictably Ironic!

Platform no. 9.
Crowded as hell. No space for an ant to move. A young girl in her teens. Fair skin and lovely hair. 


"Man! The trains are late today."
"Seriously, what is wrong with these people?!"
"Bitch! Stop moving! There's no place!"
"Oh good lord, stop pushing me! I'll fall off the platform."
"I swear, I'm never coming by train again."


An announcement that the trains shall be even more late and the growing crowd. Breathing peacefully becomes an issue.

Chaos all around. And, a text message.

"I love you, beautiful. You're the best thing that has happened to me! You complete me. Thank you for being with me. I don't know what I'll do without you! You bring meaning to my life."

Beauty had found solace amidst the mayhem. 

Well, life can't always be fair, right?

*booooom*

A bomb blast.

Beauty, solace and love were all short-lived.



  {This is a guest post written by Siddhi Pawar. She's an amazing writer and an ardent grammar nazi too!
 Visit her blog for more such beautiful articles!
SIDDHI'S BLOG }
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The Football Fanatics!

So its that time of the year again when football fans all over the globe are having probably the best time of their lives. Football, Booze, Pizza.... Its nearly a month long big bash party! Its also the time  when new football fans just come out of their cocoon to be a part of this huge carnival! Its difficult to classify these football maniacs, but I'll help you figure out the types of football fans, you might come across. So Lets Kick Off!

1.] The Genuine Football Fans.
No one can forget this beautiful mosaic by some genuine Dortmund fans!

This category includes people who're football fans just because they love the sport. They support a team only because they like their style of playing. They have a good sense of football tactics and gameplay. These are the people who enjoy and appreciate a good football game, and won't crib even if their team loses in that game! They don't like the sport just to seem cool or impress anyone.

How To Spot Them: Well, there aren't any devices invented yet to find these exotic and rare specie of football fans. So you'd have to discover them yourselves.


2.] The Attention Deprived Football Fans.
OMG! I love Manchester United! They'll win the World Cup
These are the people who have the minimalistic or generally no idea of football. They will be busy clicking selfies in a team's jersey without knowing a shit about it and will upload it as a profile picture on social media, just to be the part of this carnival. They'll support a certain team because majority is supporting them. This kind of specie is found in both sexes.

How To Spot Them: They are the ones who'd want Manchester United to win the Fifa World Cup!

3.] The Player Obsessed Freak.
I'm the biggest Ronaldo Fan!!

These are the guys who'll scream a player's name, on the top of their lungs, when he scores. You'd usually find them posting status updates or tweeting in following patterns

In case of Guys:
"RONALDOOOOOOOO GOOAALLLLLL!!!!!"
"NEYMARRRRRRRR!! YOU BEAUTY!!<3"
"ROONEYYYYYY!!"
In case of Girls:
"OMG Ronaldo! He's so cute! He's my pom pom baby!!"
"Barcelona is the best team in the world because it has Lionel Messi in it! He's such a cutie!<3"

How To Spot Them: They'd be constantly glued to their favourite players, claiming to be their 'biggest fan'. Everytime. They're the ones who'd want Ronaldo, Messi or Neymar to win the World Cup!

4.] The Newbie.
Zzzz...

These are the chaps who've discovered the beauty of the beautiful game recently. They're usually quite and are still struggling to stay awake at midnight just to watch a live football match. Their favourite team is generally the team his bestfriend supports, who introduced him to football initially.

How To Spot Them: They'll seem more interested in sleeping and checking out the final score next morning, rather than watching the full game. They're still in the developing stages.

5.] The 'We Don't Give A Fuck About Football.' Types.
We are not interested in Football!

These people are the one's who are least interested in this beautiful game. They genuinely don't care if its Fifa World Cup or any other crap. They either hate sports or are die hard cricket fans. They'd prefer watching repeat tealecast of  'Jai Ho, Amazing Virat, Swinging Shami and other such series of shows whose names are derived by the formula (some adjective + cricket player name).

How To Spot Them: Easy. They're never lurk near anything which is associated with football.


So that's it. I've only encountered of these categories of football fans. If I may have missed out on anything, feel free to comment on it, your criticisms and suggestions are always welcome :) Thank You for wasting your time reading this.
Till then, enjoy the beautiful game. Enjoy the World Cup. Go Argentina! (Still wondering which category of football fans do I belong to...)

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'Offendomania Fever' Grips India, High Alert Declared!

People getting tested for the deadly McBc virus.

India: The deadly Offendomania Fever(McBc Virus) , has gripped India recently with the toll of people infected rising upto a whooping 983647. A large number are people getting offended nowadays, reported our correspondents.

            In the wake of the rise in number of McBc cases, the authorities have stepped up surveillance and measures to combat the massive spread of the disease. 4513 out of the 78463 samples sent to Bakchod Centre Of Virus Research, were confirmed to be badly affected by McBc.

            Dr. Amar, the directorate of Bakchod Centre Of Virus Research told our reporters that McBc virus has much higher risk of causing severe anger, frustration and even violent behaviour in people that are infected with this virus. He said  "Its a serious matter of concern. This virus is spreading rapidly all over India. The affected people are somewhat responsible for it, as it is a contagious disease. Also there are some people who are helping to spread this virus, just for the sake of fun. Our researchers are still trying to find its cure"

            The Bakchod Centre Of Virus has issued the following guidelines and symptoms to watch out for, in the affected person:

  • Gets offended easily by almost every joke, troll, meme etc, which goes against his beliefs or ideologies. 
  •  Frequent outbursts of anger, upon getting offended
  • Person turns violent upon reaching the peak of getting offended and starts causing destruction of surrounding environment and life. (195 degree angro, when measured with the anger meter invented by Bakchod Centre Of Virus Research) [Click Here To Order The Newly Invented Anger Meter]
  • The last stage of the disease could even result in affected people triggering riots, causing destruction of public property, harming the peace & harmony of their surroundings and other nefarious activities.   
The following are the measures people should take to protect themselves from this deadly virus to affect them:
  • Unaffected people should think nearly about 99999 times before posting any joke, troll, meme or posting some sensitive stuff which could hurt anyone's sentiments, on the internet or anywhere.
  • Should stop justifying of right to freedom of speech.
  • Should NEVER offend anyone.
  • Should act like they are living in the Paleolithic Era and don't know what a joke, troll, meme or internet is.     
 "We have given directions to the Police Department to immediately start the treatment measures for the people in high risk category and to crack down the people spreading the virus just for fun." said Mr. Amar, while cases of violence in Pune and some parts of Maharashtra were reported by our correspondents.
       
[Above article is purely imaginary and does not bear any resemblance with reality. If so, it's purely co-incidental.
And I'd also like to thank you all for the amazing response you gave for my previous blog article! You are the best!*Drumroll**Digi Chiki Digi Chiki Dhisshh**Cries with happiness* :’). 

Thank You, for reading this piece of shit and wasting your precious time! Your comments and criticisms are always welcome. I've tried my best to add humour to it, instead of this article being on a serious note
Last but not the least! DON'T GET OFFENDED AFTER READING THIS! :)]

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